My world: The Cherryblossom Garden

I’ve finished both my mid term for bichemistry and thermodynamics. Well,i’ve never been this frustrated. I suck at both!!!…sob sob..2 minutes before thermo,i realized that i cannot recall anything i have studied the whole day before. Oh my god..is this what people always say "Weh,aku blank laa"..I kept my calm until i read all the question. Yup,im blank..I cannot remember anything. Nothing! zero!..i waited about 5 minutes trying to calm myself,hoping i would remember something. Hmm..not much of a difference. So i just wrote whatever possible. I didnt even finish answering the question.

So,i planned to took out all my frustration in thermo trying to do my best in biochemistry that was originally scheduled a day after that. I needed more time so my friends and i asked the lecturer to postponed the mid term next week and he’ll agree if the whole class agree,and they did so i had all weekend to study and i did!!..i finished reading the slides,go through the assignment and did 3 past year mid term question. Hmm.."im well prepared this time"…and so i thought. Turns out,the blank thing is a disease. It happened again. I took a deep breath,recite some do’a and continue reading the question. The second time it wasnt so bad,at least something came out..Hehe..but i guess my preparation wasnt enough,the question is much harder that we expected. Hmm..so its true what my senior said. "Dr Hamzah ajar sangat faham,tapi soklan dia sangat susah.." In the end,sama je jugak..tak dapat jawab exam!!..heheh..but at least he makes the subject very interesting. Rather than I simply come to class listening to the lecturer blabbing about something i cannot understand. Hmm..finals is in 2 weeks. I still have time. Im gonna give it my all this time..ececece..hehe..siapla final thermo and biochem,watch out!!! (baca dalam nada nino bila dia meng’aim’ sesuatu)

Hmm..like the 2 exams wasnt bad enough. I lost my dear friend of 3 years, my sony erricson phone after the biochem exam. Cet,dah la baru topup. Takpela,time ni la kena sabar. Nak nangis pun rase cam tak larat. (first time tu rase camtu..i must’ve grown up..hehe)

Hmm..but im ok. Ooooh ya…i do have one super good news anyways, Moksu dah selamat delivered baby adam last week. Nama dia Muhammad. Hmm..i cant wait to see him again. Sangat la comel makhluk tu..huhuhu..oh and also runiz is coming tomorrow. yeaa..i miss her so much..huhuh..

Ok,thats all for now. I’ll catch up later. Bye

   Last night,i watched a motivational talk show on tv. Never done that before,so i cant remember the channel. Its good u know,for once not watching channel 70,71,72. Hehehe..Anyways,its about a speech from an inspirational speaker. Errr..his name,im not sure but i think Jack Boland from Michigan. I was so moved by the message that i decided to blog about it. Hehehe..so here goes.

   He said that disappointment is associated with shattered expectations and broken dreams. One can never run away from it, the best way is to learn how to cope and handle them as a positive experience. Okay,easy said than done huh?? Nothing i havent heard before. However, before going to sleep last night my mind keep thinking about what he said. All those things about disappointment and everything. The question is, how the hell am i supposed to ‘handle them as a positive experience’. Hehehe..okay,laugh out loud. This entry is going to be boring for most of you but bare with me.

   In my experience, i have found that disappointments sometimes occur to teach me something so that i may become more wise and strong. Some kind of preparation i would say. I believe in the saying "behind every cloud, there is silver lining". Some events have to occur to make us a better person, hmm..a blessing in disguise.

   I’ve been disappointed a lot with my life lately. But i realize one thing, if we truly wish to move on,we need to understand one fundamental lesson. FORGIVENESS. Until we can forgive and release all the people who hurt us in the past, we will continue to live in our self-imposed prison. Personally for me, forgiveness is probably the hardest lesson to accept and practise. The human side of me, does not understand forgiveness. My reasoning only understand the hurt that others cause me. Naturally,after hurting the response is to hurt back or hate or suffer resentment or mete out revenge. Isnt’ it right? Lets be honest and forget all those im- so-angelic-i-always-forgive shit. When we are hurt, our self righteous self tend to pass judgement on those who hurt us. we condemn them to suffer our anger.

   For once in my life,i really thought that best way to move on is actually to forgive. Err..you see, If we forgive someone immediately after each hurt, we will begin to live a life of freedom. freedom from hate and everything. The person we spend 5 years hating probably wouldnt know we hate them. Our hatred do not give any impact on them. So why bother,right? Just let go of all the anger and hatred for once. Acting melancholy cannot make things right, and depression will only make things worst.

   So,my conclusion is (hehehe,it felt like im a counselor or something ..ngeh ngeh!) beginning today,im going to adopt a totally new attitude - expect nothing from anyone. No one owes me anything in this life. Hmm..if thats the case,there is really nothing to forgive,huh?

Lets get more dramatic with these affirmations (yea..for those who knows me they know im a drama queen..hehe)

I can cope with disappointment. It will teach me new things.

I know that everything will always turn out right for me, and those around me.

I forgive everyone for every hurt directed at me in the past, and send them love and good wishes.

I forgive myself for all of my past failings.

p/s: Hehehe..i really should change my major. Is there any vacancy at psychology department? Hahahhaha

What kind of a person treats a friend like he does?
A mean heartless boy with glass eyes glazed
with shiny arrogance. She suffers soo much and cries
barrels of hot tears for him and for herself.
She reads him and tries to understand.
To pull each message from each word and ignore what
the inconsistent relentless silence of the boy means.
That boy. Evil not. Good not. Just a boy.

But not just any boy. A dear friend whom she once care about.

A once willing prisoner who survives on bread alone
and is chained by invisible forces to a brick wall.
A ray of sunlight hope never penetrating her perpetual
darkness. But now, She wish to be free from any ties that
binds her to him.
Hope, joy, and love is forever gone. He is in the past. 

A past that has departed and is gone, She will not cry over him. 

You will not see her remembering him. 

Not even for a moment, because he have travelled away from her never to return.

   About 11.30am this morning. Guess what happen? I fell down the stairs. I was on my stupid phone, so i wasnt actually paying attention while walking down the stairs. I really wish i can blame the stairs, hishhh..stupid stairs on my level..heheh..(relief) but anyways it didnt hurt that much at that time. I thought to myself, boy..this will hurt like hell next morning. Hmm..i dont have to wait until the next morning. I woke up from my afternoon nap and the area had already swollen to twice its size and lets dont mention the excruciating pain i felt everytime i tried to move my feet. Its either urut or doctor. Errr..urut? i cannot tahan people touching me..geli..so,doctor it is.

   We went to ampang putri and yup!! i was taken on a wheel chair to see the doctor. Errr..malu la..jatuh sket je,sume org tgk cam accident teruk je. Hehehe..anyways,doctor suruh cuti 3-4 hari. The midterm is around the conner but i think its good. At least i dont have to see IT’s face for a few days.